Coming Out of Left Field

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Redefining identity ...

... or, thanks to the kids at summer camp, having it redefined for me:

Me (at lunchtime, to a child): Look, you have Chinese noodles for lunch. Hey, I'm Chinese, and those are Chinese noodles, so I can eat them.

Girl #1: No, you can't! You're not Chinese!

Me (puzzled): Um ... why?

Girl #1: Because you live with [soxfanwife]!

Girl #2: Yeah, and you don't speak Chinese! I speak Chinese! Ni hao!

This leads to a number of girls taking turns saying "Ni hao!" (hello in Mandarin) to each other. A boy had his own objection to my self-definition:

Boy #1: Chinese is a store, and you're not a store!

Soxfanwife (to Girl #1): Well, if we're not Chinese, what are we?

Girl #1 (shrugs): I don't know.

Soxfanwife: Maybe we're Jewish.

Girl #2: Yeah! You're Jewish! And I'm Jewish too! (leading to "I'm Jewish!" "I'm Jewish too!" all around the room)

Have I mentioned that my wife's class always has the funniest kids ever?

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Mitzvah moments

The first entry in a continuing series, now that I'm officially Jewish:

Received: Friends helped out in various ways with our recent chuppah ceremony; other friends made a donation to the preschool in our honor.

Given: Donated a bunch of used books to More Than Words, and bought some more.

Planned: The wife and I will volunteer at Family Table's upcoming distribution day.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

More stories from preschool

I'm used to the kids at school asking whether Kate and I are sisters, since they know we live together and share things (and they apparently can't see race). But it's still funny anyway when it happens:

Kid: Excuse me, [soxfan], do you and [soxfanwife] live in the same house?
Me: Yes, we do.
Kid: Is your mom the same as [soxfanwife's] mom?
Me (trying not to laugh): No, she's not.
Kid (mystified): Why?
Me: Well, [soxfanwife] and I aren't sisters, we're married.
Kid: Oh!

The other day I was also invited to someone's house for a playdate:

Kid: You can come to my house, [soxfan].
Me: I'd like that, that'd be really nice.
Kid: Yeah, you can come and vacuum and play basketball and look at our air conditioner!

Seeing as how, between my conversion (yep, I'm officially Jewish now) and everything else, we haven't had a whole lot of time to just be social, this sounds pretty good to me!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Guinea Pig Dialogues, part 18 of an ongoing series)

An approximation of an actual "conversation" that happened the other day, just after I opened the dishwasher:

Haver the guinea pig: Squeak.
Me: No, sweetie, I'm just doing the dishes.
Haver: Squeak squeak.
Me: Haver ...
Haver: Squeak squeak squeak.
Me: Haver, there's no lettuce in here.
Haver: Squeak squeak squeak!
Me: Haver, this is the dishwasher. This has always been the dishwater. It is *not* the small white lettuce box.
Haver: SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK! Squeeaalllllll!
Me: Honey, could you please get him some lettuce?

It's debatable who's sillier -- the guinea pig, for assuming the dishwasher is a lettuce box, and me, for trying to convince him otherwise.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Not coming to a bookstore near you

My wife and I were joking this morning that I could write a memoir based on my experiences converting to Judaism. Since the first requirement of any bestseller is a snappy title, we spent a little time brainstorming. (OK, I did the brainstorming while my wife just laughed and shook her head at me.)

"My Year of Reading Jewishly," an nod to A.J. Jacobs' "The Year of Living Biblically," was deemed accurate but too boring to keep someone's attention. "From Fiddler to ____" was ruled out since I couldn't find anything funny to fill in the blank. And my personal favorite, "Soy Vey! My Jewish Journey," was ditched when I realized that, thanks to my early preferences for hot dogs and Kraft macaroni, I'd eaten far less Chinese food growing up than many Jews had. When it comes down to it, "a basically Americanized woman gradually turns Jewish over three decades" just doesn't seem the kind of proposal that'll attract publishers and lots of royalties.

Oh well. Looks like I'll keep writing here for free. :)

Friday, December 19, 2008

I have a life ...

... at least, according to this meme from Facebook, which states that if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life. The below list has 239 films; x's denote the ones I've seen.

( ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
( ) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane

Total: 3

(x) The Princess Bride
( ) AnchorMan
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
( ) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far: 5

( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
( ) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 5

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
( ) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
( ) Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 9

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total so far: 12

( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
( ) Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( ) KING KONG

Total so far: 13

( ) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber

Total so far: 14

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 15

( ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 16

( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Slevin
( ) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Bourne Ultimatum
(x) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George

Total so far: 18

( ) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 22

( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
( ) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3

Total so far: 28

( ) X-Men
( ) X-2
( ) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
( ) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 34

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
( ) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far: 35

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 41

( ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
(x) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three

Total so Far: 42

( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
( ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard

Total so far: 46

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
( ) Hook
( ) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
( ) Waterworld

Total so far: 46

( ) Kill Bill vol 1
( ) Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness

Total so far: 47

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 51

(x) The Matrix
( ) The Matrix Reloaded
( ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

Final total: 54

I don't know who came up with this list, but if s/he had included classics, musicals and sports films, I would've gone over 85 faster than you can say "Strike three, yer out!"

Labels:

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Theo, Theo, wherefore art thou Theo?

C.C. Sabathia goes to ... the Yankees.

A.J. Burnett goes to ... the Yankees.

Meanwhile, the Sox have ... a new logo and new road jerseys. OK, and a few other players, mostly from the Rule 5 draft.

Not that I want Theo to suddenly start imitating Steinbrenner Jr., and he certainly shouldn't make a move just to make one. I'd just like to have an excuse to post about the Sox between now and spring training.

Labels: